Well, looks like the tiny sucking blood monsters are back. I just saw one yesterday at around 9pm on the wall beside my bed and then for the rest of the night I was trying to be still and moved around 10 times less than I normally would. I've always had bad thoughts about mosquitoes even when they weren't around. Each time I think of a mosquito, I have the sound illusion that it's there and then I get all scared.
So, yesterday I saw one that had pretty long legs at first I thought that it was a daddy long legs which was just as scary when I realised that it was a mosquito. I'm not really sure which is scarier to me but mosquitoes can fly and spiders walk pretty fast and that is very creepy. So, I thought "NO! My worst nightmare!". For the first minutes, I was trying to build up as much courage as possible to kill it. But knowing that I do the same thing (run away or just ignore it and become all paranoid) each time I just sat on the floor watching it's every move from the mirror.
Usually, when you're scared of a certain insect someone who isn't as afraid tells you to kill it and not be such a baby about it and then most of the times they say "It's way smaller than you, so don't be afraid. It won't hurt you..". But I can't do that because they do hurt you and they bite and they tickle. People also wonder if I hate them so much isn't easier to kill them. Well, I know that it should be (and I'm not saying that it's easy to kill humans when I hate them, if anything is easy it's probably just hurting them in not such a severe way, though). I don't feel bad for the insects when I hate them but it's just hard because I guess it's just me being afraid.
It ended up going somewhere else and so after about 30 minutes I decided to wear a sweater (to cover my arms) and quietly sat on my bed and just made sure that it wasn't anywhere near me every other second. Then it was time for me to go to bed, secretly, I decided to stay up a little longer. I thought that watching an episode of The Simpsons and Seinfeld would have some sort of ease on me. I've decided to go to bed with the TV on and covered my whole body except my for my face with two blankets. And then each time I would hear a "Bzzzzzz"
around me. But then a few minutes later I fell asleep and my mom came in to my bedroom and I remember that she asked me "Why are you so covered up?" and I said "Mosquitoes" and then she stayed with me but I'm not sure what she said because I was half asleep. The last thing I think that she had said was "I love you" and I sort of whispered the same thing. I thought it was a dream because normally she'd say it in Russian but I knew that it wasn't because I heard someone the TV with the same script/episode that I've seen before. I even remember myself laughing at a point. I felt like she was never going to leave but then she left instead of feeling sad I fully fell asleep. Actually, just this minute I found out that we were at first speaking in Russian and I said "I'm very, very scared," I remember that.
I don't really mind waking up with mosquito bites but I'd never want to get one while I'm looking straight at it. I'd prefer to be asleep. But it's not like I enjoy getting mosquito bites anyway.
So, today when I got home I was trying to find that mosquito and be able to actually kill it. But instead when I sat at the computer a few minutes later I saw it beside my lamp on the carpet. I couldn't believe my eyes, I knew that it would burn the minute that it hit the lamp. I was hoping for that to happen anyway. And so to make sure that it was dead I took the lamp and squished it with the bottom of my lamp.
Here it is, dead and gone.
-VALy, <3
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